a new season

it's been almost a year since my graduation and about 5 months since i've started working. well, a good time to reflect on working life thus far before i lose my thoughts and start becoming jaded by work.

i'm thankful for where i am right now. my work allows me to have sufficient time to do other things i love, to go back on time, to still have dinner with my family, to meet friends and to not compromise my areas of service in church. back then when i was still job hunting, i wanted a job that would allow me to continue doing the things i just wrote about in the previous sentence (although i wasn't sure if it was possible in this day and age). what can i say? God answers prayers and He knows my needs even more clearly than i do. i can only praise Him and thank Him for His goodness.

hearing about my friends' working life and experiences, i'm glad to be where i am. some are already feeling weary and are starting to lose sight of the purpose of all this work. some are possibly enjoying themselves and finding work fulfilling because they have been learning much from it. i'm glad i didn't take up the job offer from KPMG back when i applied for external audit just cos i jumped on the bandwagon to feel more secure about getting a job. i know for a fact i wouldn't have survived 1 month of external audit. but sometimes, thoughts about how my current job is completely not helping me further my understanding in what i've learnt in uni start to creep into my mind. what i've studied has not much relevance to my nature of work and sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my brain away because my current work is not stimulating my brain at all. plus the fact that people keep asking about how long i'm gonna stay at my current job, only leaves me questioning myself about what am i really trying to get out of my working life.

before starting work, i've always thought that i'll be okay with doing a job not related to my area of study in uni and that it's okay to have a relaxed job that doesn't require much thinking and all. but after 5 months, i'm starting to feel like perhaps it'll be better to have something that stimulates my brain. but then again, i'm also not sure what i want (which is always the case, like when i was job hunting too).

so, i feel like it all boils down to this: what do i want to achieve from my work? what is it that gives me fulfilment and purpose in life? do i want a stimulating job that makes use of my accounting knowledge and allows me to rise up the ranks in the corporate world? or do i just want to be satisfied with where i am and focus more on people interactions than on the actual nature of my job? can i say both? i'm not too sure also.

i don't think i'll ever be sure about what i want because as always, i don't know what's the best for me, i don't know what i really want, i don't know many things. all i know is that at least i know of Someone who knows everything. i'm glad that i'm not alone in all this. i want to continue to trust God to bring me to places, to lead and direct my path. God has brought me to my current job for sure, and He has a purpose for placing me in this place. i just wanna glorify Him with what i do and be a good testimony to the people around. i always believe it's no coincidence for the people He has placed in my life along the way. perhaps i'm to be used by Him to touch their lives or bring them a step closer to knowing God.

already i am amazed by what God has done at my work place. never would i have imagined to be able to have a small christian fellowship at my work place. as much as it was something ideal, i never saw how it would actually come to reality but God works in ways we least expect. it is such an encouragement to have fellow christians at the work place, knowing that you're not alone in this christian journey. i am excited to see how God will continue to use this christian fellowship group for His glory, how we can be His channels of blessing to the people around.

all in all, my heart is filled with thankfulness. for a God who never fails, who is always faithful and is my Provider. i'm thankful for this job i'm in so far and even though i'm uncertain about how long i'll remain at the job, what other job opportunities may come my way in the future, i know God will go before me and direct my path. all i need to do is to be sensitive to hear His voice and the obedience to follow His leading. i don't want to be drowned in the world's voice and definition of what success is, i don't want to be influenced by what my peers think because the only One whose thought matters is the One who created me, the One who's in control of the whole universe.

even as i reflect on this 5 months into my job, i hope that many years after starting work, i'll still be able to find my bearings, where Christ is my centre and His Word is my compass.

Encounters

God has an interesting way of teaching me things or rather, seeing His truths in action

Just in the past week, the sermon was on missions and the speaker highlighted the need to help the urban poor - those who live in the cities but are facing issues of poverty. This was among other areas of which we could involve ourselves in. Truly the mission field isn't only overseas, but it's everywhere. Right where we live, there are many who need help - physical and spiritual help.

Today I had the opportunity to help an elderly lady carry her large bag of things from where she was seated to board the bus at the interchange. It was just probably an encounter of about 10 minutes but it drove home the point of how if I take time out to open my eyes to those in need, there are many opportunities. My short conversation with this lady left me feeling rather happy yet puzzled. She talked about how she had 3 favourite words - faith, hope (positive, optimistic), can't recall which is the last one. But she also talked about planning and forgiveness. I was pleasantly surprised to hear her favourite words since they were very much linked to the Christian faith. I couldn't help but ask if she was a Christian but she said no. She also talked about proverbs and how in the Bible there is a book of wisdom (proverbs). I was intrigued at her comments especially coming from someone who isn't a Christian, so I asked her if she read the Bible but again she said no. But the values and principles she mentioned were so in line with the Bible I just couldn't help but wonder where her faith lies.

I pray that one day she will come to accept the faith and receive Jesus into her life. This encounter struck me because it was as though God helped me see the immediate application of His word in real life. It reminded me how there is so much to be done to help those in our society who are less privileged. It also reminded me not to rush through from place to place because many a times it is in my tendency to rush that I miss out on opportunities like these to just pause and chat.

It is interesting how the elderly lady just started the conversation about her favourite words. She probably just wanted a listening ear and a friend. And I'm glad I could do that, even though it was brief. I thank God for encounters like these that continue to propel me towards being a blessing to those around. I thank God for encounters like these that remind me to put my faith and love in action.

Contentment

A recent reminder that has been on my mind is how we, as humans, have a tendency to focus on things we don't have, rather than on things we do have. This way of thinking reveals a lack of trust in God to provide us with all good things. Psalm 84:11 writes, "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favour and honour. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." So, when we choose to focus on the things that we do not have, we question why does God not give us that thing that we want. It's a very natural thought that creeps into our mind every now and then. And when such thoughts enter our minds, it usually leaves us feeling discontented and disappointed; maybe even lead us to end up doing things that may not be right just so that we can get that thing we so desire.

Perhaps we may be asking for a job that pays decently or maybe a significant other to be in a relationship with or even a promotion/pay rise that your peers seem to be getting. These are real situations that we will struggle with and the desire is not wrong in and of itself. What's wrong with striving to do better so that we can get promoted? What's wrong with seeking a relationship when God is the One who created us to be relational beings? Personally I don't think it's wrong to have such desires (of course desires that are evil/harmful in and of itself are wrong, for example you wish for the death of a person). But herein lies the danger of what you do with that desire. 

If my mind is set on that thing that I don't have and that desire grows to consume my thoughts, it has the danger of becoming an idol in my life. I end up focusing on the things I don't have in life and my discontentment starts to grow. It may start small but such feelings tend to snowball over time and before you know it, it consumes us and leaves us feeling bitter and dissatisfied. 

Why does this way of thinking reveal a lack of trust in God? The Bible clearly tells us that God does not withhold any good thing from those who walk in His ways, meaning that if something is good for you, God will definitely give it to you. And so, what is considered good? I would choose to define good according to God's standards because something that I feel is good for me may not necessarily benefit me in the long term and in the big picture. Since only God knows all things and sees everything from the beginning to the end, He will know what things are good and ultimately beneficial to us. A good thing would be something that helps us to grow in Christ-likeness and grow in our relationship with God. 

Focusing on things we do not have also results in us not being appreciative of the things we have. When we become so concerned about chasing after that one thing we lack, for example, a romantic relationship, we end up forgetting about the things around us that we do have, which are a plenty - family, friendships etc. God has surely blessed us in many ways and so we should count our blessings rather than be unhappy about the things we don't have. 

I admit, it is a challenge. 

It's so easy to end up comparing myself to others and wishing "if only i had that thing, i'll be happier". That's why I find it important to journal down these thoughts I have, to remind myself in the future and to preach to myself (which helps to renew my mind). I continue on in this life journey of learning how to find contentment in Christ and trusting in the character of God. 

life changes

about half of 2016 has passed by and somehow i feel like i haven't progressed much since my last post. i'm still facing the same situation of trusting God with my unknown future, still in the process of job searching, still in the process of figuring out what i want in life, what i am good at, what kind of job i should pursue. everything that i reflected on still holds. i still trust God and surrender my whole life to Him. but, it's just that it's easier said than done.

after a while, i get disappointed with how i'm still so clueless about everything. not really disappointed with God but disappointed with myself, for not knowing what i want to do, for not taking enough initiative perhaps? it's confusing as to how much initiative i'm supposed to take and how much do i surrender and leave it to God. why is it so hard for me to find something i like to do?

well, just a few days ago my sister got married and i composed a song for her to sing together with her husband as a special item. many people liked the song i composed which got me thinking about music as a career. should i pursue it further? for now, i'm still thinking of keeping it as a hobby, but...music excites me unlike accountancy. i do intend to compose more songs in the near future, i guess i'll see where all these leads me.

yes, and so with my sister's marriage, i also started to think about my own marriage in the future. i've always wanted to get married but i'm always scared that it won't become a reality. i mean, who can say for certain right? but these thoughts are bugging me. right now, i'm trying to get used to living as an only child. i'm scared that i have to live with my parents forever (i mean not that i don't love my parents, but to live with them forever is another thing). i want to believe that God has my best interest at heart and that His timing is perfect. but at the same time i wonder to myself, if i just sit there and do nothing and wait for something to fall on my lap, is that what faith is? faith produces action and so how proactive should i be in searching for the right one? how much initiative should i take? and how to even take initiative when my personality doesn't really help? so many questions i can't answer on my own.

in such situations, turning to God for wisdom and guidance is the best solution. i can't figure any other way to help myself. i need to first enjoy God's presence and know that He is the only One that can fully satisfy me. i need to remind myself of His amazing and overwhelming love.

"as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:18

fixing my eyes on God and trusting Him to work behind the scenes on my behalf is what i need to do. just as in Hebrews 11, all those people of faith did things that may not have made sense to them but they did it anyway because they trusted God. may i also trust God with my unknown future

Recent thoughts

As I go through a season of searching for jobs and figuring out what I’ll do in the future, only uncertainty abounds. At times I wonder to myself if it would have been better for me to take up the KPMG external audit job offer from last year. Sure, it would save me the hassle of finding for a job now and it is a safe path to take because most accountancy students end up in external audit and it secures a job that is like an iron rice bowl (as long as you don’t quit on it). But, would that really have been something good? Perhaps to majority of society, I made a silly decision to reject that job offer and leave myself in a state of uncertainty. After having some time to think it through, I don’t regret my decision at all. 

Although it puts me in a current position of not knowing what lies ahead before me, I find that it is through this situation that I realise what it means to have no choice but to rely on God. I can’t see my own future, I can’t see the path that I will tread a few months down the road, I can’t see anything but all I know is that God is with me. Is that enough, just simply knowing that God is with me? Well, it’s not easy but yes, I can say that knowing that is enough. It is not a blind faith but a faith that is based upon the firm foundation of Jesus Christ and based upon the faithfulness and goodness of God that I have personally experienced throughout my life. 

I am actually thankful for being put in this situation of job hunting and not knowing where I’ll end up. Why so? Because I realise that it is through this that I have grown closer to God. It hasn’t been a drastic change, but rather, a gradual one. As I continually seek God to find out His plans for me, I become more intentional in praying, reading God’s Word and being more conscious to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. I started seeing devotion time with God as something meaningful and enjoyable. I experienced for myself the power of God’s Word and how it refreshes me and brings healing to my soul. 

My encounter with Psalms 23 is something I will never forget. I never expected God’s Word to hit me in the face so strongly and powerfully. I personally experienced what it meant for God’s Word to speak to me clearly (previously it used to be something I hear often but also something far away because I did not experience it). God speaks in the most unexpected of ways but He does speak (even though not as a booming voice or in dreams), all you need to do is to earnestly seek Him and be sensitive to Him. 

Through these few months, I am also slowly learning what it means to seek God’s will. Previously I thought that seeking God’s will meant seeking for a magic life plan that God has in mind for me, that perfect path that I should walk. I thought that it meant waiting for this obvious guidance and voice to tell me “Go to XXX, that is where I want you to work”. But nope, I’m learning that God’s will is not for us to know perfectly His plans for us. God’s will is for us to grow in Christ-likeness, to grow in intimacy with Him, to grow in our relationship with Him and to enjoy Him more and more. How this would look like could perhaps be like how I have drawn closer to God because of my circumstance - praying, reading the Bible and enjoying His presence each day. 

An article I read says that God’s will is not a mystery to be solved but a road to be traveled. How true that is! If we knew every step and detail of our lives, there would be no reason for us to have faith in God. It is through uncertainty that we have to rely and depend on Him and that is what God wants us to do. God wants us to have a transformed heart, a transformed mind and one that seeks Him and chooses to glorify Him. "If God has given us a new heart that desires what He desires, our decisions are going to line up with His plan.”

I am so amazed how God has been slowly but surely revealing Himself to me as I travel this journey in life. I feel like I’ve grown through this process and it is really God drawing me closer to Himself. I am so thankful, so thankful for this season in my life that has taught me faith and seeking God above everything else. This doesn’t just apply to job search, but for whatever that comes my way in the future, for example, relationships. 

I continue to trust God with regards to relationships. I thank God for revealing to me the true meaning of marriage and what that relationship entails before I even enter into one. I used to think that getting married is just a natural progression in life, with nothing much related to God (although I know that God is the One who instituted marriage, but that was it). I’ve come to understand that marriage between man and woman is so precious and sacred because it reflects that perfect marriage that is to come when Christ returns and takes us (the Church), as His bride. Marriage is about discipleship, learning to practice agape love to each other and growing in Christ-likeness. Of course, this is not to say that people who don’t get married are unable to display agape love, but just that marriage is an avenue to show unconditional and sacrificial love. This is important because when you enter into a relationship, thinking that it is meant to be perfect, you will only end up disillusioned. The coming together of two sinful people will definitely not be easy and that is not the point of marriage, but rather through the difficulties, we are to work things out and in the process, learn to love, forgive and be humble. 

I’m just so thankful for all these lessons I’ve learnt over the years and more recently in the first 3 months of 2016. It has been such a great journey since 2016 started even though March hasn’t even ended. I await greater encounters with God and greater lessons to build up my faith and strengthen my relationship with my heavenly Father, Saviour and Friend. 

A time to take stock

Time for me to use this space for self reflections, so here goes my reflections on year 4 semester 1:

I was rather fearful of this semester because of the new commitments I had in Cru and the difficult module I was about to take - AFA. As much as I was only doing 4 modules, I was fairly foreign to Cru and it was my first time being an SM and part of the Servant Team at the same time. I knew that this semester would probably be a faith stretching one. 

Having finished the semester, all I can say is that my heart is filled with thankfulness. I thank God for giving me good time management to handle all my commitments, in church, in Cru and also in terms of school work. I thank God for guiding me along even as I started my journey as SM/ST. I thank God for the opportunity to learn and grow. My prayer at the start of the semester was to increase my love for others and not find it a burden to meet up with people and journey with them. I felt that God has really taught me to love and learn more about what discipleship is about. I learnt that it's not so much a one way transfer of knowledge from me to my disciples, but rather that we learn from each other and that God uses the process of me discipling others to disciple me. As I share with the girls my own experiences, various decisions to be made in life and the struggles that I face, I become more aware myself as well, causing me to reflect and see if I am practicing what I preach. 

As for being part of the ST, I learn to consider for the health of the ministry and be more intentional to take note of the needs of the ministry. Being in ST also allowed me to integrate myself into the Cru community, which has been a great blessing to me. Gathering as a community encouraged me to see how all of us are in this together, striving to lead lives pleasing to God here on campus and trying to evangelize to our friends. The jump sessions helped to constantly remind myself of my purpose on campus and challenged me to always be living for God and seeking to expand His kingdom. 

Going for most of the weekly Wednesday suppers at Study Hub also gave me a good opportunity to invite my friends. I thank God for bringing my friends to the supper, allowing me to tell them more about Cru and my involvement in the CCA. That kind of exposure to my friends was a good platform to share more about my beliefs as a Christian. I'm glad that my friends had positive experiences at Cru supper. One thing I'm extremely thankful for is to know that my friends saw a positive change in me this semester. They saw my heavier involvement in Cru as a good thing. I continue to pray for opportunities to reach out to them. 

Also, I'm thankful for God giving me wisdom to help them along in AFA. I really thank God for helping me understand AFA and I guess using that as an opportunity to reach out to them. In terms of academics, I really praise God for everything He has blessed me with. All the project groups were functional and I even made friends from a randomly formed group in strategy. 

As I look back on the past semester, and even all the semesters in SMU thus far, I truly see God's faithfulness. His goodness and love to me is definitely evident. 

Even though I was apprehensive as to how the semester would turn out and how I would handle ST/SM, I really see God using these as learning and growth opportunities for myself. I caught the purpose of what God has for me here on campus and learn to be more intentional in outreach. I learn more about myself as a person and also, learn to enjoy my relationship with God. I slowly begin to experience for myself that abundant life that God has in mind for me. 

As I face the uncertainties that come my way next semester and upon graduation, I know that I need not be anxious because I am sure that God is with me wherever I am. I am sure of His faithfulness and because of that, I can truly surrender my life to Him, not in the sense that I don't care about my future but to simply walk in love and obedience. Where God leads and calls, may I have the courage and faith to obey and follow.  

I have come to realise, in retrospect, that God has increased my capacity to love others and love Him too. In giving me more responsibilities (ST and SM), stretching myself more than I normally do in the semester, God has expanded my capacity. Through my service to Him, He has brought me closer to Himself and strengthened my relationship with Him. While choosing to serve God in such areas allows me to impact the lives of others and in some sense I can count the successes of my ministry by the people I impact, but I think more importantly, what I consider a greater success is that I’ve drawn closer to God as a result of my service to Him. My relationship with God is something that God treasures way more than the things I do. I’m very grateful to be given the opportunity to serve and through which I expanded myself, helped myself to grow and go out of my comfort zone. 

Truly, God has called me as a christian to be a story changer. While I myself surrender my life to God and let Him be the director of my life story, I am used by Him to change the narratives of other people, by sharing Christ with them, by bringing them a step closer to knowing God. 

Life without Jesus is like a donut, like a donut, like a donut. 

Life without Jesus is like a donut, cos there's a hole in the middle of my heart

This is a kid's christian song that I used to hear and sing. As a kid, this song didn't really mean much to me, all I pictured was literally this donut with a hole in the middle and Jesus fills the hole of the donut. But now thinking back, I realised that the meaning in this song is really great and it really describes our lives, which have this hole in the middle unless we have Jesus to fill it up. 

Why so? Well, even after being a christian for so long and attending sunday school since I was a little child, I don't think I really understood the importance of God in my life. God wasn't the centre of my life and neither was He my source of joy. I think I sought more happiness in the things of this world - clothes, bags, dramas etc. Understandably so because these things are tangible and real but God, while He is real, is intangible. And of course it's hard for us, humans, to find happiness and joy from something we can't touch. The instant gratification and satisfaction we get from material possessions and things of this earth seem way more attractive than God, who only seems to live in our minds. 

But even after obtaining whatever we want to have, for example, the latest phone, the iPad mini, the IT bag, the beautiful branded shoes and clothes, I guarantee you that there will still be this emptiness within you. We'll be happy for a period of time when we're still into the new thing, but after a while, we lose interest and start to look for the new IN thing to satisfy ourselves again. That's just how humans work, we constantly need new things to keep ourselves entertained and we don't like the same old thing forever. This doesn't just apply to material possessions, but likewise for relationships - friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't have a boyfriend but I know that human relationships will never bring eternal joy. There will be times when the other person will disappoint you and go against you because of disagreements. So placing our happiness in human relationships also doesn't solve the problem of the emptiness. 

I'm currently reading a book entitled "Counterfeit gods" by Timothy Keller. He's a popular author of christian books. The idea of the book is to show us how many of us hold onto counterfeit gods in our lives. Keller points out this insightful fact that humans will always want to have something/someone to idolise in their lives. There is no way for a person not to have any form of idol (idols can come in any form - money, fame, power, success, fear etc). The only way to break free from being bounded by these counterfeit gods is to replace the idol in our hearts with the true God. We can't get rid of the idol but we can replace that idol with God. That makes so much sense. 

We were created in a way that we will always seek to worship something - object/person. 

Since it is God who created all of us, there is this God-shaped hole in all of our hearts. Back to the analogy of the donut: Imagine that all of us are donuts, and the shape of the hole in the middle isn't just a circle, but it's in the shape of God. Without that hole being filled, we will always have a feeling of emptiness. We try to fill that hole with many things - money, power, bags, clothes, electronic gadgets, people, relationships.... But because none of these things are in the shape of God, it will never fully fit the hole in our hearts. And so we never feel satisfied forever. Only when we bring God into our hearts and put Him in the God-shaped hole in our donut, will we be truly and fully satisfied. This satisfaction won't just last for a while but it is eternal. You have to experience it in order to know what I mean. But it truly satisfies forever. There will definitely still be times when we end up seeking for satisfaction in the wrong places because we're imperfect and still have the tendency to sin. But we know that we can always go back to God if we repent and His arms are always wide open to receive us. 

I am just amazed at how a simple kid's song actually holds such deep meaning and truth behind the lyrics. Just some of my reflections. 

Something else interesting: I'll be leaving for exchange to Korea in less than 2 weeks! I'm really excited but scared at the same time. Lots of uncertainties in a new environment and with new people but I'm so excited to be living in Korea. Visiting all the cafes, walking along the streets, experiencing autumn and winter. Maybe I should keep a daily journal while I'm there so I can remember all the moments! 

till then,

J.