i have been having problems focusing in school since it started. i'm not sure why. i'm not sure if it's because of the modules i'm taking this sem. but it's making me hate what i study even more.
i don't really know what's wrong with me. it's like i suddenly can't reconcile in my own mind why i am doing accountancy. well because i'm not going to lie to myself - i've never liked accountancy and i chose it not because others told me too but because i knew i had nothing else to take. my interests can't become a degree and so i decided to embark on the accounting journey.
i was feeling so conflicted inside because i thought i could pull through 4 years of uni studying something i have no feelings for. and over the past few weeks, i suddenly felt like i couldn't do it anymore. i felt like whatever i was studying didn't make sense and that i completely despise the content of my modules (because come on, who are you kidding, how is 'Financial Reporting Standards' important in my life? i don't give a shit about this stuff) so i went through last week not having the mood to do any work, which wasn't a good thing since i had lots of work to do. i just felt too depressed about my life and my future to do anything. okay i felt like i was in this dark place (it sounds kinda emo but i wasn't actually that emo). other than the fact that school was bad, the other things in life (especially church stuff) kept me happy enough.
i complained to my sister and told her i feel like i can't continue doing this. but she was like, 'you can! don't be so sad..' and then she kinda reminded me how i chose to be in accountancy so i can do it. i started thinking about what else i would have done if i didn't take accounting and i didn't think of anything practical/concrete, so well, i told myself not to over think and just do. just try to develop an interest. i kept praying to God, asking Him if being in accountancy was the correct thing to do, and how I'm supposed to use my intellect for His purposes. well, i haven't figured out an answer, it's all still "work-in-progress".
so what's my current situation now? i'm still not completely satisfied with the fact that i'm in accountancy, but at least i kicked away the feeling of not being able to do work. i prayed to God non-stop to ask Him to help me. help me focus on Him rather than on my work and trying to do what will be pleasing to Him. help me to trust in His sovereignty and that He has a plan for me to be where i am. asking God to take away the terrible conflict inside me and just allow His peace to rest in me. well, it worked. i started to do work on monday. not hard core work but a fairly substantial amount.
i'm still struggling with the fact that i'm in accounting. but for now, i'm thankful that i'm starting to get back on track (i hope). and i was sharing with my crusade dg about it and they were all encouraging, saying 'jiayou' and all.
okay this sounds all too emotional. trust me, it isn't. it's just that when i write them all out, they just sound more sad than it actually is. people probably didn't really know that i was so conflicted but it's not that big a matter.
i'm still trying to hear God. hear what He has to say to me. hear what His plan is for me and the purpose for giving me an above-average intellect (not meaning to boast), but i'm just figuring out why God created me this way when He could have just made me stupid, i mean there has to be a purpose.
this verse helps me, ""For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9. trusting in God's ways.
till then,

J.